Thank you so much for remembering me and noticing my transformation! I’m still the same old goody heather I just have a 6 month old baby boy now and I’m no longer a drug addict slut anymore whoooopie! I’d love to keep in touch!
Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey
being a follower on tumblr here for years, i loved reading what you posted. You've grown! Thanks for sharing so much, that must have taken a lot. Good luck to you on the future!
I used to write all the time and today I was asked an anonymous question on ask.fm and once I started typing I couldn’t stop and here is the outcome. Here’s a little about me.. And my story. You can either ignore, and keep scrolling or take a look. But I would love for you to let me know if you did read this.
To answer the anon’s questions and a just a “tad” bit more:…
I did drugs because I was a drug addict. I did stupid shit because I was not Heather, I was “drugs”. That is not an excuse. It was me who made many mistakes but I wouldn’t of done them without the drugs. But it’s still my fault because yes, I took the drugs. I just wanted to forget the world around me existed so I would do anything I could do “stop” it. I didn’t want to care. I hated myself. I didn’t know how to love myself, or how anyone could, why they would. I didn’t know how to stop. The drug life was all I’ve ever known since I was unknowingly taking Xanax since the 4th grade.. (That’s another fucked up story) And I felt stuck with the feeling that this is how I will be forever and there’s no way anyone could truly love me. Even though there was one man who actually loved me for me, all through this, and he proved that to me.. But I still can’t fathom how I knowingly did these things knowing it hurt him every day and I hate myself so much for letting him watch me do what I did to myself everyday, letting him see me so weak.. I loved him so much but I didn’t love myself, so how could anyone else? I shouldn’t use “excuses” though. I was gone. I was so fucked up in the head and loving him scared the SHIT out of me because I didn’t even know how to love myself yet… But Jason never gave on me. I loved him the whole time I was just so scared.. Scared to be loved. Scared to love. Scared to get hurt. Scared to be alive. Scared not knowing how to quit. I don’t think anyone realizes how bad my addiction was. If I didn’t have at least 7 Xanax bars a day I wasn’t satisfied. At all. I was smoking weed 24/7 literally. And not only that but I would do ANYTHING I could get my hands on, especially if it was a painkiller. Just to get away.. from my own thoughts. From me. It’s addiction. My addiction was a way of slowly killing myself. I passed out overdosing many nights and I truly believe that if I wouldn’t of stopped doing drugs when I did, the next overdose would’ve been my last one and I wouldn’t of woken up. My mom cared SO much, she just couldn’t stop me. No one could. The only person who can stop an addict is themselves. I don’t even know how to explain my dad in this.. He doesn’t know how to be a parent. All he knows is to give me whatever I want because he just wanted to make me happy and be the “coolest dad ever” but … I wish he wouldn’t of done some of the things he did.. He went about being a “dad” in the wrong way. I won’t talk too badly about him in this because it’s in the past and a different story but I will say I don’t think I ever would’ve done drugs as a child if it wasn’t for him. Then later on in my life doing such things such as leaving the house to me as a 16/17 year old drug addict for months at a time when he would live in Ecuador.. I don’t know if he was oblivious to what I did while he was gone or even while he was home or if he didn’t care but of course, my dumbass (excuse my French) drug addict self turned the house into a trap house. I started selling drugs. People would come over ALL the time, I was NEVER alone and there were never less than 5 people there, and I thought they were my “friends” and now I look back and wonder who truly cared about ME. And who even came to see ME or learn about ME. I can almost bet 95% of the people who came over were using me because I was so generous with my drugs.. And it was a house I let people do whatever they wanted to in.. NOW I can only count the people on one hand who stayed by my side as a friend when I stopped doing drugs. I wish people on drugs could see what they truly look like… But when you are on, your perspective of the world is SO different. I wasn’t myself. I did things I cannot fathom that I would EVER do. I made the stupidest decisions. I degraded myself. I let people take advantage of me because I truly thought they cared.. I was SO dumb. And now even after sobering up, I am now permanently full of anxiety where I will have random panic attacks and just throw up from the simplest things. I have clinical depression, (and postpartum depression) I have an extreme panic anxiety disorder, I don’t release as much serotonin as I used to, I have to take medicine to inhibit and release my serotonin now. I go to therapy every other week. One thing I wish I could do is get people to understand that drugs don’t solve your problems they only postpone them and make them worse in the end. Seeing the world without drugs.. the world is SO beautiful. The way a lady bug or butterfly will land on your arm so sweetly, and fly away searching for something, but what? Life is such a beautiful thing. Take a look at the sunset or sunrise. Take a look at the moon changing it’s view to earth every night. Take a look at the birds taking such sweet care of her nest, eggs, and soon to be children. For me, I take a look at my beautiful son as he smiles up at me, and my amazing husband who never gave up on me. They give me a purpose to live. I take a look at the second chance I was given at life and I am so truly blessed to be alive. I’m now president of not only my cosmetology class, but of the whole leadership council of my entire campus. I am looking to volunteer to be a motivational speaker. I was blessed with a beautiful baby boy named Akio meaning “Hero” in Japanese because that is exactly what he is to me. I have an amazing husband, like I’ve said. I could rant about him and my son non stop. I don’t know why I deserved this life but I am so thankful for everything I have. I’m thankful for happiness. I’m thankful for my support system, mom, brother, tech family, etc (You know who you are). I’m thankful to be a role model. I’m ready to show people that you CAN change, and do anything and everything you put your mind to. Everyone can. Our brains have SO much powers It’s never too late to be who you could’ve been. We are young and we have so much potential. We are the new upcoming generation of adults and we CAN make this world an amazing place full of positive vibes. Yes I’m now so much closer to my mom, she has become my bestfriend, as well as my brother and my husband, and Akio of course. Family is so important to me, and the ones who truly stuck by my side at my hardest time.. I can’t wait to make Akio proud to have me as his mother, and to make my husband proud I’m his wife. I can’t wait to change the world, this is my passion and watch me, I will do amazing things. I was given a second chance for a reason and I won’t take advantage of that. Just watch, wait, and see. I will continue to do everything in my power to make myself known, for good things, to share my story and change lives around. I will be a friend when someone is in need. I will show teens that drugs aren’t the answer. I will show teen parents and teen that are pregnant that they CAN do this and I will teach them what a miracle they can turn their lives into! If anybody needs anything at all, please feel free to come to me, even if it’s 4 in the morning, remember I’m a mommy with a weird sleeping schedule so I’ll answer and I’ll be glad to help you through ANYTHING without judgement at all. Thank you SO MUCH for reading to my rant. Let me know what you think, good/bad.
I love you all. More than I could ever express.
this is a formal apology to everyone that has ever tried to text me